the depths of the city.

There are no windows in this basement. Sometimes I forget there's a world out there.

I'm currently thanking the Lord for coffee shops and tea.

Sometimes I want to move to the country.

Far, far away from streets and cars and litter.

Where baseball stadiums don't exist

and artificial lighting isn't used outdoors.

process.

I find extreme comfort in step by step instructions, lists, to-do's, manuals. As much as I would like to say I am a free-thinker who can figure things out by myself, I don't like not knowing what is next or having a definite way of going about something. Thanks, DTS. You're messing with every comfort zone, every boundary I have set for myself, and every wall I have put up.

Although I sometimes wish it did, the heart doesn't change in an instant. It takes a series of events, thoughts, prayers, and victories. Specifically, forgiving. Our speaker last week brought up that the Westerner's mindset seems to think that we need to heal in order to forgive, when in reality, healing can't take place until the process of forgiveness starts. Being someone who likes to base most things off of my emotions, that's a really tough thing to take in. I've always thought that I would start forgiving people when I felt like it. I've been awakened to the fact that I probably won't ever "feel like it".

So Lord, I'm gonna need your help on this one.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

oh, what love!

You have called me beautiful

when I looked with disgust at myself.

You gently shook me

until the chains fell one by one.

Your light burst forth

as darkness overcame me.

Your truth kissed the wounds

where the lies cut deep.

When I said "worthless,"

You called me Your own.

When I fell faint,

You fought for me.

When I felt abandoned,

You said you have never forgotten me.

When I covered my face in shame,

You said, "Look to me, Beloved."

Death has lost his hold on me as I cling to my First Love.

What other love is as good, as true as this?

It cannot be contained.

All for Jesus.

they say ignorance is bliss.

I must agree.

My foundations are being rocked and shaken. I'm frustrated, confused, and really excited. Though I don't understand or even agree with everything I've been trying to absorb from the speaker, Olu, and even other students, I do understand that it's important to take time to think about these things (I won't go into detail about what kinds of things right now, as I'm still processing them).

I'm frustrated because I feel as though I'm a "bad Christian" for having doubts. I have been raised in a society where you believe what you believe simply because you do... if that makes sense. This is the first time I've been told it's okay to doubt my faith and some aspects that come along with it. I have had the mindset my whole life that doubting is simply a "lack of faith". I'm starting to realize that doubting or questioning something is critical to strengthening my faith. Absolutely critical. If I were to take everything I have been fed my whole life without asking "Why?", I could consider myself nothing more than a Christian robot. For those reading this, I want to challenge you to ask yourself why you believe what you do. Whether you believe that God is all powerful and all good; whether you believe God is simply an idea; or whether you believe there is no god. Just ask yourself WHY you believe it.

My confusion comes from the fact that I have been asked questions about my faith, God's character, and life in general that I never would have thought to ask myself. That being said, I also don't know the answers. I'm still digesting everything.

But all of this is so exciting. Even through the irritation of being so challenged, I am thrilled to know that this is God working in my heart; refining, strengthening, and loving me. One thing I do know for sure is that God is good. He is so good.

All for Jesus.

I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining.

I believe in love even when I am alone.

I believe in God even when He is silent.

"I am the Lord of the Dance," said he.

Everything is so new! The culture, not so much... I have found Port Credit is kind of like Comstock Park and Cadillac's lovechild; somewhat quaint with an abundance of boutiques, with a very personal feel.

Yesterday we went to a small church with a congregation of no more than one hundred, 70% at the least being over 60 years of age. Aaaaaadorable! So, so precious. How many times have you been greeted at the door of a church with a hug and gummy bear? The worship was very simple, but extremely genuine. Everyone seemed to love and know each other so well. The people there were so excited for our YWAM group and really encouraging.

Oh, and we rode a train to church...

Today was the first day of class, but it was more of an orientation type thing. We talked about the heart of our DTS and how I.net started. Then we had cheesy team bonding time games. It's so weird because I feel like I've known these people my entire life, but we haven't even scratched the surface yet. It's hard to explain, but I am already feeling challenged. Not necessarily in my relationship with God and others, but with myself. Because there are people from all different types of cultures, they want to know about mine too. Today Wouter, from the Netherlands, asked me if I enjoyed living in America. This may seem like an easy question to answer but it really took a lot of thought. So I guess what I'm saying is that I have been having to just think more. I'm loving it!

Tonight Pearl, from the UK, and I had dinner duty, but everyone we were supposed to cook for was gone so we went out to eat. But who would have thought you had to be at least 21 to eat almost ANYWHERE on the main street?? It was so ridiculous. Our options were limited to pizza and Quiznos. But theeen we found Ten. It looked promising, but a bit pricey. We decided to "give it a go" and upon entering Pearl asked "Do you have to be like 25 to eat here? We're just starving!" The host laughed and brought us to a table. But... it was dark. Literally lit by candlelight and extremely dim globe lightbulbs. We couldn't really pronounce anything on the menu so we both decided to get the same kind of pizza. Then we couldn't resist the "One of Everything" dessert platter. It beats beef stir fry, which is what everyone had back at the apartments.

Also, the mystery of the missing room 309 key has been solved. It was in my purse for the past two days. Sorry, Sue.

All for Jesus.

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He

I'M HERE.

Finally here. My room mates are adorable and I already love my leaders. Now we're making cookies and quiche, because we have too many eggs.

I brought too many things. Oops.

All for Jesus.

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.

Romans 14:1

C eh N eh D eh?

Hi friends!

Today is my last day in the country, but that doesn't mean we can't keep in touch.

Mailing address:
YWAM i.net
Emma Modzeleski
1880 Lakeshore Rd. W
Mississauga, ON
L5J 1J7 Canada

emodzeleski@gmail.com
616-295-6278

I'll still have my phone, but no texties.

P.S. Why didn't anyone warn me how hard goodbyes are? I'm gonna need prayer, friends.

All for Jesus.